Note: Very specific spoilers for Flash season 3
Here is my Existential Wednesday post a day late because in existential philosophy time only has the meaning we give it…or potentially because I accidentally planned poorly and got behind. One or the other.
There are two things that my unexpected academic sabbatical has given me: time to catch up on the shows I missed and time for a proper shame spiral. What do I feel shame over? Sometimes it is over feeling useless, which is really just code in my head for less busy than when I was in grad school. Sometimes it is because I feel I could be doing more for the world that seem daily to be on fire. Sometimes I feel like I could be kinder. Sometimes the shame is about not getting into the Ph.D. program or still living at home. It depends on the moment, but it is always under the surface for me to tap into. And it is shame, not guilt. As shame researcher Brene Brown expresses, guilt is something that serves to motivate action. It is a response to behaviors we do. Shame is a threat to our identity. It is a belief that something is wrong inside ourselves. Shame is deeply personal. Shame is destructive.
The other half of my having more time than normal equation is catching up on the Flash, the superhero show about the scarlet speedster and his many friendship and found family woes (also he fights villains). It is a show I love to sink into like a warm bath, letting it into my pores to fill me up and refresh my soul. I cannot get enough of constant Dad Joe West loving his super sons. I adore the sweet friendship of the STAR labs team. And most of all, I love the warm beating heart of the show, the titular speedster: Flash aka Barry Allen.
In a world full of toxic masculinity, Barry represents the rare intersection of a character shown to be deeply emotional and yet not portrayed as weak. Not a billionaire playboy by day, instead Barry is the same good person in and out of his mask. As Joe tells him when explaining the difference between Barry and Wally (Joe’s other son), Barry is always able to express what he is feeling. Even when he is keeping secrets (sometimes Earth shattering ones), he cannot actually hide his feelings. Barry and the show writers’ both have a willingness to explore feelings and drive toward emotional maturity. With this in mind, season 3 leans in on a gorgeous arc about a topic that does not get enough attention:
Self-compassion.
At the end of season 2, Barry loses his father and in a moment of grief and bad decision
making (seriously, could anything be worse than having powers when emotionally impaired?) he time travels and launches a whole new timeline. Realizing his mistake, Flash resets things as they were but learns a lesson best explained using a coffee cup. Once the cup is broken, fixing it does not completely erase the cracks. (Side bar, this is exactly how virginity was explained to me in a truly horrifying youth group sex lecture. I am scarred and this episode launched a full flash back. You thought the flower metaphor in Jane the Virgin was an exaggeration? It was my life, but I digress.) Barry returns to the present to find things almost entirely as he left them except for a few major changes. The rest of the season deals with the repercussions of time travel and trying to fix mistakes by erasing them. There could be and likely are thousands of words written on the ideas about time travel this season explores, but for me, the infinitely more interesting dimension was the one happening inside Barry’s head.
As primary self-compassion researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, explains, “With self-compassion we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” Having self-compassion means being able to step out of the noise inside your head and see yourself with love and acceptance. It is a skill that can be increased with practice and there are brilliant meditations structured around seeking it out. An essential part of the Flash’s character is his taking too much personal responsibility and feeling shame over everything that occurs in this and any other world (thanks to the multiverse). So, I was duly surprised when the season took a turn. Instead of wallowing in Barry’s shame, the show lets him interact with the mentors and motivators in his life and have some of the most beautiful discussions of self-compassion I have ever seen. The narrative weaves itself directly around the elements of self-compassion throughout the season.
Element of Self-compassion 1) Harry Wells and Common Humanity
Harry Wells serves as a mostly reluctant mentor to young Barry Allen. In season 3, they relate in their feelings of shame, with Wells saying “I know what that feels like…I make mistakes and I want to make up for my mistakes, then I just make more mistakes.” He then adds, “you did once tell me that you have to trust in the long run that the decisions you make are the right ones.” Finally, he comes to the true heart of the moment, “I was always too good at forgiving myself, Allen, and you were never good enough.” Harry Wells struggled with taking responsibility, Barry struggles with taking too much. The moment not only reflects the need for self-compassion, but points to a core element of it. We can become self-compassionate when we learn to see our common humanity, aka when we recognize that others fail too. By sharing in Barry’s pain, Harry opens up a path for the Flash to recognize he is not the only one to fall short.
Element of Self-compassion 2) Oliver Queen and Self-kindness
The Flash’s shame reaches a point of near no return in the massive show crossover episodes when Flash collides with Supergirl, Arrow, and Legends of Tomorrow to tackle an actual alien invasion. When the majority of the super powered (or super skilled vigilante) cohort find out about Barry’s time meddling, they are furious, but Oliver sticks with his fleet-footed friend. In true teach what you cannot do fashion, Ollie has a heart-to-heart with Barry about showing himself kindness.
Oliver: You need to stop beating yourself up over this.
Barry: I’m sorry, but how can you say that? I’m responsible for all of this.
Oliver: Maybe. Maybe not. Barry, you made a choice. You wanted to see your parents alive again. Do you honestly know anyone that if they were in your shoes wouldn’t do the exact same thing? I would do the exact same thing.
He goes on to explain about the traumas he experienced in life and how he would change them if he could, then he says the key point.
Oliver: Barry, the world isn’t different because you changed the timeline. Change happens. Tragedy happens. People make choices and those choices affect everyone else. You’re not a god, Barry.
The lesson does not immediately sink in because when it turns out the aliens are there to capture Barry, he reverts back to his shame spiral. Barry decides to offer himself as a sacrifice to the aliens, but Ollie and the other super friends step in to let him know he is loved. Barry is forced to accept their kindness and forgiveness. With self-kindness we learn to see that we are not gods. We are imperfect and we do not know how our actions will affect the world. With self-kindness, we begin to recognize our limits in the same way we do not expect our friends to be perfect.
Element of Self-compassion 3) The Speed Force and Mindful Acceptance
Self-compassion also means being able to sit with our feelings. It means that we, and Barry, cannot run away from the unpleasant emotions we experience. It does not mean we wallow, but we do let ourselves feel. For Barry, this comes in the form of the speedforce the difficult to explain science-magic dimension speedsters can access. For Barry it is a place of re-experiencing memories. In season 3, he goes in and talks to three people from his past that spark his feelings of shame. Barry is forced to face the emotions, and the personification of the speedforce does not let up. It reminds him continuously that his emotions, not his logic, are fueling his choices, but that he is refusing to acknowledge it. Until he recognizes what he is really feeling, which of course is once again a desire to sacrifice himself, he cannot be free of the force of his memories.
Together, between Harry relating to Barry, Oliver sharing his own recognition that it is okay to be imperfect, and the actual spirit of the speedforce making him think about his emotions, Barry has all the elements of self-compassion laid before him. Does he learn from it? Of course not. Barry would probably offer to sacrifice himself to help someone get over a cold if he could, but as viewers, we can learn the lessons he does not.
So, we learn to talk to ourselves with kindness. We learn to recognize that others fail too. We learn to stop running from our emotions like a speedster into danger.
- Screen cap Flash. A signature Joe West hug
Maybe, when that gets too hard, we can imagine talking to ourselves like Joe West would talk to his adopted son, Barry. What would ultimate father figure Joe do in those moments of failure and self-doubt? Well, he would put his arm around us and let us know we are loved, no matter what. He would remind us that not everything is our fault. He would cry with us, feel with us, and on the other side remind us to get up. He would give us a safe place to be human. May we all treat ourselves like Joe West treats his kids.
Want more deep dives into pop cultural and existential psychology? Tune in every Wednesday for another walk on the overthinking side.
Recommends:
Want to learn more about the fascinating work of Brene Brown on shame, vulnerability, and living a wholehearted life? Check out her website here.
Interested in learning about self-compassion, including how to do self-kindness meditations? Check out the work of Kristin Neff.
Existential Wednesday 