We Need to Talk about the Toxic Behavior

Note: This post contains spoilers for Stranger Things season 3, Spider-man Far From Home, Avengers Endgame, and The Good Place through season 3. So many spoilers! Guard yourselves

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“This is so well done,” I say, leaving the movie theater. In my head I can already imagine discussing it with my students in class. A few days later, watching Netflix, I frown. “This is so badly handled.”

When I decided to watch Spider-man Far From Home the same week as I watched Stranger Things season 3, I did not imagine there would be any type of overlap. Imagine my surprise when I watched two very different depictions of the same type of toxic behavior. Two classic abusive patterns presented to me. Unfortunately, one was extremely well handled and the other, was a complete accident.

Last chance to abandon this ship because here come the spoilers.

One of the patrons at the theater where I saw Far From Home left saying he wished he

Promo Shot: Spider-Man Far From Home

did not know Mysterio was a villain before watching so that the slow reveal would have been more effective. I disagree. The part of his character I found so arresting was knowing he was evil and trying to figure out what his game was.

Mysterio is a classic abuser. So pitch perfect was the writing that I could have used his scenes to teach about gaslighting in my psych class.

The term gaslighting comes from the movie Gaslight, a the golden age of Hollywood masterpiece. The story revolved around a man who slowly convinces his wife she is losing her mind by causing things to happen and then denying them, including flickering the gaslights in their home. Now the term refers to a specific type of emotional abuse that aims to cause a person to doubt themselves. Mysterio gaslights the entire world, faking tragedies so he can be the one to save them. Even within his own team, he threatens the lives of his villainous staff and blames them for his violence toward them. He literally says they are making him act the way he is. In the most classic example of this type of manipulative abuse, he slowly ingratiates himself with Peter Parker. He slips into the whole that Iron Man’s death left and makes himself into Peter’s mentor. He then continually undermines Peter’s sense of self. He encourages him to give up superheroing, to only focus on his own needs. He destabilizes Peter and alienates him from Nick Fury and the rest of SHIELD. Then when the gig is up, he turns and lashes out. He uses all of Peter’s fears against him in the illusion world and ultimately blames Peter for it. The “If you left good enough alone” speech being a classic “I’m hurting you but it’s your fault technique”. Mysterio is a textbook abuser.

The thing is, Mysterio is intended to come off this way. There is a predatory nature to him that grows as the story progresses. He is Captain Gaslighting, the toxic person that can often show up when we are vulnerable. A warning to us all.

The other depiction of toxic behavior came from the newest season of Stranger Things. I

Promo Shot: Stranger Things

loved the season, but it was not flawless by any stretch. The main failing being the transformation of Hopper from hapless burnt out detective to really shitty and toxic Dad. I loved Hop in season 1, but the character in this season is unrecognizable. He is toxic masculinity condensed and bottled. He yells at everyone, throws things around, and when push comes to shove he resorts to threats and physical violence. He scares Mike out of dating El. Mike, a child.

The Hop from seasons 1-2 was a man who fought for those who were weaker than him, he went up against the bigger people who used violence to gain submission. The Hopper of seasons 1-2 would have probably fought the Hopper of season 3.

The worst part of this is, his behavior is handled like he’s just being his usual messy self. The darker aspects of his character seem wholly unintentional and thus entirely unexplored. Considering the way the rest of the season explored toxic masculinity (with Will not fitting into other people’s mold and Nancy facing off against sexual harassment), his story could easily have fit in with the theme. It could have been handled. Hop could have received some redemption in this arc. But that would have required acknowledging the difference between messy and toxic.

Even Hop’s posthumous letter did not save the character for me. As sweet as El finding his words could have been, it was overshadowed by the fact that he never gave her this letter. With Joyce’s help, he wrote out his feelings in a healthy way, but in the moment, he decided to be abusive. He kept the positive words, literally, tucked away. So her finding it only after he is dead really memorializes that he chose to treat her badly. Compare this to another aspect of Spider-Man: the Iron Man arc. Iron Man too was a messy father figure. He often yelled and repeated the mistakes of his own father. Iron Dad frequently failed to express his emotions. The difference? No one is more aware of Tony Stark’s problems than Tony Stark. He expresses to Peter (in Homecoming) that he is struggling with his father’s poor parenting, but that he’s trying to be better. In the end, he leaves behind his EDITH glasses to Peter with the words “To the Next Iron Man,” his posthumous offering was also one of love, but it was not something Peter found by mistake. It was given. Tony Stark was full of failings, but he was honest and he often got it right too. Sadly, Hopper was much more Mysterio than Iron Man.

Promo Shot: The Good Place

So, Hop did not get his redemption this season, but what if it turns out he is not really dead because this is TV? Well, it’s going to take a lot of work on the writers parts to win me back over to team Hop, but it can be done. I know this redemption arc could be done well because I have seen it done in the very best possible way. In the Good Place, Michael is slowly revealed to be the villain. He gaslights, he manipulates, he is literally a demon sent there to torture the main characters. But he begins to change. Slowly over the seasons, Michael gets his redemption arc. He has to learn to face his toxic masculinity and privilege.  He learns to have feelings and empathy for others. The humbling and ultimate rebuilding of his character remains one of the most moving things on TV. He is a literal demon, but his flaws are not treated as jokes. He’s recognized for what he is, and thus change is possible.

Yes, true believers, just like in therapy, the first step to a good redemption arc is fully acknowledging the problem. If the Duffer brothers want to fix the full turn against Hopper, they have to first admit that he was an asshole.

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Recommendations:

If you want to learn more about gaslighting and how to spot it, check out the National Domestic Abuse website.

Book Review: Wilder Girls by Rory Power

Book Cover: Wilder Girls by Rory Power

Title: Wilder Girls by Rory Power

Release Date: TODAY! July 9, 2019

Rating: 4.5 Stars

Representation includes non-labeled queer women, woman/woman relationships

Received as an Advanced Readers Copy from the American Library Association Conference.

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Non-Spoiler Short Review:

Wilder Girls is a book that is hard to firmly lock in any particular genre. Technically, it is a scifi focused on a contagion, but it is deeply grounded in a way that makes it feel like it could happen here, tomorrow. It feels a little like a dystopian or zombie novel, without actually being either. It is ultimately an intense character study and an unputdownable page turner. It is not the thrills of a big battle fighting, explosion covered action story. No, the tension is in the subtle, terror rising up in the held breath of moment. The characters are wonderfully realized. Set at an all girl boarding school after a mysterious outbreak, the story focuses on the lives and sacrifices of a cast of teenage girls and the women who teach them. It is a joy to read a story entirely populated by women (there is only one man in the novel, and he is a short lived character). I truly have never read anything so exclusively and apologetically women centered. I found myself clinging to every moment. In the end, it is full of emotional weight without being bleak. I recommend this book for a thoughtful, captivating read.

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Minor Spoiler Long Review (I will try to avoid major twists, but some plot points may be spoiled and overarching themes are discussed):

I grew up reading books set at boarding school and daydreaming about attending class with Jo, Blair, Natalie, and Tootie at Eastland the boarding school from Facts of Life. As the only girl among three brothers who were all homeschooled, I daydreamed about being surrounded by other girls. Since those early reads, I have not experienced a book with an almost exclusively woman cast. Picking up Wilder Girls I immediately sunk into the world of it as that old, dormant boarding school daydream reignited. The book masterfully took that nostalgia and added this horror/survival element. The charming school life became only a haunting hint at the back of the nightmare that the story focused on. That juxtaposition worked on me and I found myself unable to look away. The whole world of the Wilder Girls school, Raxter, is wonderfully realized. The hints of what used to exist linger effectively throughout the story while setting up the reality of the current plague scenario. The school and the surrounding woods grow out into its own character, with perhaps, a malicious intent.

It was fascinating to read a contained crisis story that never folded out into a global conspiracy in the way a Maze Runner or Hunger Games dystopian would. We never see the outside world, and instead focus only on the crisis at the boarding school. The world of Wilder Girls is one ravaged by climate change, the forces of adaption and entropy playing out in this small scale stage. It has an air of desperation familiar to dystopian readers, but the small scale allow it to avoid the tropes of that genre, instead humanizing the crisis in a deeply personal way.

The most powerful theme that runs through the story is also the subtlest one, the idea of unintended consequences. The words “I was just trying to help” ring throughout multiple interactions across the story, wrapping even into the mystery at the center of the Raxter crisis. It is a story that asks us to question how our actions impact others, even when they are intended for good.

Themes in mind, this is a character driven story at heart. It focuses on three friends, Hetty, Reese, and Byatt. They each have stunningly layered and complicated personalities. Their shifting dynamics with each other and the other girls and women at the school makes up the meat of the story asking how they can survive together against forces so much bigger than them.

Ultimately, this story could have descended into bleakness and been bogged down by overwrought emotion, but it remains surprisingly grounded. It is a sad story full of tragedy, but it never loses itself in that pain in the way some contagion stories do. I read the book in two days and have not been able to stop thinking about it since. I wholeheartedly recommend reading it and imagining if you too would have what it takes to survive being a Raxter girl.

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An Uneasy Dream of a Better World

This is not one of those posts where I tell you I learned how cruel the world could be in November 2016. I knew the world was cruel. My tiny screaming body came out of the womb terrified. I was anxious and OCD right away, and I never once believed the world was safe. As a kid the boogeyman was something out of a news special, being born in the early 90s when several high profile kidnappings were all the news. In 2001, I was nine. America went to war and my natural hyper-vigilance felt justified. The fear based messaging aimed at teenagers worked wonders on my anxious brain.

Then I went to college and my anxiety took on a decidedly liberal bent. I learned about systems of oppression and marginalization that were foreign to me, a kid who grew up in conservative and evangelical circles. I started recognizing some of the things happening in my life for what they were: sexist bullshit. To say I went from confused and scared good Christian preacher’s kid to angry feminist is unfair. I was confused, scared, still a Christian, no longer a kid, and an angry feminist at the same time. “Make sure you don’t let it make you bitter,” my father said. It was an insensitive response he would no longer endorse, but a fairly prophetic warning. Sometimes I am bitter. Sometimes paranoia and cynicism are a pretty good defense mechanism, but they are not a constant state for me. I find myself wavering between bouts of believing everything will go to shit and having hope. I do believe things can get better. Sometimes, I believe it because I actually feel it in my soul. Sometimes, I believe it because I have to. Because otherwise, what is the point?

So 2016 both surprised some part of me that hoped for better and confirmed the suspicions of the part of me born believing everything will get worse. I have spent the last several years angry. Not only angry, I have felt joy and happiness and sadness and so many other things too, but always a little angry.

With my shift in perspective, the pop culture I found myself able to stomach changed. I had to stop watching Veep. It felt too real and also not bad enough at the same time. Sometimes, when I needed a break from everything I watched mindless shows like Teen Wolf or Riverdale. Things I could sink into and forget for 40 minutes before going back out to do something, anything out there in the world, but there was a part of me that wanted something else. I wanted shows/movies/books that got what I was feeling. I was looking for a mix of painful reality and hope.

Enter: One Day at a Time

One Day at a Time Promo Shot

The Netflix revival of an old sitcom came onto the scene, apologetically Cuban-American, Queer, and progressive. It tackled mental health, the struggles facing Veterans in this country, addiction, racism, homophobia, sexism, and fear of the current political landscape while being a show that never lost it’s heart. It was real without steering into bitterness.

One Day at a Time Promo Shot

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, a holiday that recently leaves me feeling cold. Every time I walk into Target to a barrage of red, white, and blue, something inside myself curls up. It is hard for me to muster anything but frustration or outright pain. I feel far away from the child who used to sing “God Bless the USA” as a solo (yikes).  Yet, there are moments when One Day at a Time manages to stir my heart in ways most things cannot anymore. In a beautiful character arc, Lydia, the Cuban grandmother of the family, and their Canadian landlord, Snyder, decide to become American citizens. There are discussions about what it means to become part of a new country, and how hard it is for the grandmother because it feels like letting go of her home. The central episode involves her and the landlord both getting their citizenship. Lydia then hangs an American flag curtain in front of her room. It is powerful to see this Cuban American family framed by the flag.

 

The show never shies away from the harsh realities of America post 2016. There is an episode about dealing with racial slurs and one about the queer couple on the show experiencing homophobia. The family frankly discusses politics and the pain that the current administration does to marginalized people. Yet, there is always an air of hope. A belief in something beyond the terrible current moment and past legacy of this country. There is a belief that there could be something better.

Book Cover: Red, White, and Royal Blue

For book club this month, my friend picked the book Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. It is a fluffy queer romance that had me genuinely laughing out loud throughout. The romance was lovely and captivating, and it was fun to read a heartwarming story that felt like being wrapped in a big soft rainbow blanket.

The thrust of the story focuses on the son of the US president falling in love with the youngest British Prince. Through their romance, there also unfolds a fascinating political story. The book is almost an alternate recent history, offering up a 2019 where there was no Trump presidency. Instead, we had our first woman president. With that, her family in the story is biracial, Latinx and white. The book suggests, what if our world but a little bit better. Then it tells the story of the second election with this president running against a Trump like figure. It has the characters wrestling with the soul of who America is. It asks, who would give up this possible world over something like private email servers?

It was heartbreaking and beautiful and hopeful and sad. I found myself on the edge of my seat waiting for fictional election results. I found myself feeling hope.

The book was pure fiction, but not in a way that made it mindless escapism or admonishing preachy finger-wagging. It was a call to action, a reminder of what could be if we keep pushing to be better. It was not a perfect America. Bad things still happened, causes were still lost, but there was something different. There were people who kept hoping and used that hope to keep fighting.

This 4th of July, I cannot find it in myself to be patriotic in that firework firing, hooray shouting, over the top loud kind of way, but a part of me is starting to think that patriotism is a lot like love. It does not mean mindlessly celebrating everything about a country anymore than real love means not seeing flaws. Patriotism as the characters on One Day at a Time or Red, White and Royal Blue would describe it means hoping that the country can be better. It means not taking the L, but continuing the fight.

Book Cover: Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles

If our hopelessness leads us to inaction it too is a type of complacency. It is agreeing that this is the way our country is going to be, with children in cages and school shootings so frequent they don’t always make the news anymore, we give up any chance of changing any of it. As Mark Russel wrote in the Exit Stage Left: Snagglepuss Chronicles graphic novel (yes a shockingly moving and political story given that it was based on a 1960s children’s cartoon) “In life  you do not fight battles because you expect to win. You fight them merely because they need to be fought.” Hope and continuing the battle does not mean  being assured everything will work out. I don’t know that things will get better, but I believe they can, and hope they will. And I believe most of all, we cannot stop trying.

 

 

 

 

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Recommends:
Speaking of One Day at a Time. Watch all of it! It is a great time to catch up before it return for its new season.

While we are talking politics, I cannot recommend enough Ronan Farrow’s book War on Peace. It is an amazing deep dive into the way our country undervalues peace work in favor of a military approach. It is however the book that my therapist stared pointedly at when I mentioned not being able to explain my recent bout of depressed moods, so read with that caveat. It is hard to stomach.

Book Review: Loki Where Mischief Lies

Book Cover: Loki Where Mischief Lies

Title: Loki: Where Mischief Lies by Mackenzi Lee

Release Date: Fall Release (Sept 2019)

Rating: 5/5 Stars

Read as an Advanced Reader Copy from the American Library Association Conference

Representation includes gay, genderfluid identity, and pansexuality.

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Non-Spoiler Review: (see below for longer, spoiler filled review)

Loki: Where Mischief Lies is the perfect blend of humor, mystery, and genuine emotions. Lee explores the ideas of toxic masculinity and identity through the lens of Asgardian family drama. If you are a fan of Loki from the comics or the movies, this novel fits in well with either continuity while bringing new depth to the character.

There are few characters better equipped to explore the ideas of identity and queerness than Loki, and it is exciting to see those sides of him take the forefront. The story also includes Loki solving mysteries in Victorian London and all the unimaginable fun that could come from those exploits. The book is engaging from start to finish and has a truly unpredictable plot. I laughed out loud and genuinely cried. I give this book my full recommendation.

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Spoiler Review: Major plot twists will not be spoiled, however, if you want to go in as unspoiled as possible, stop reading here.

I cannot recover from how happy this book made me. I have loved Loki as a character since the first Avengers movie, and since then I have done a number of deep dives into the Marvel mythology and Norse mythology in general. There may be a Loki action figure beside me as I write this. So, the minute I found out that Mackenzi Lee was the person tackling this story, I could not wait for it to be in my hands. To say that I started out with high hopes might be an understatement, and yet it still exceeded my every expectation.

While in the comics and in Norse Mythology, Loki has always been a shapeshifter that switches gender at will, few have ever explored what that means for his self-identity. This book on the other hand, addresses Loki’s queerness explicitly as his identity comes in conflict with his father Odin’s idea of the Ideal Man (a note here, Loki uses masculine pronouns for himself, and thus I will also). Thor is Odin’s paragon of masculinity: tall, muscular, thinks with his fists. Loki prefers scheming to fighting, is slight of frame, and enjoys using magic to change the color of his nails. His favorite item in the story is a pair of high heeled boots. His identity also comes up against the rigid ideas of Victorian London where he meets an ostracized gay man named Theo. In one particularly good scene, Loki declares himself the “Enchantress” leading to confusion when the Londoners explain that this is a feminine name. Loki does not see any conflict there. He remains, not what people think he “should” be.

The theme of identity continues through the ongoing crisis of the book. Is Loki doomed to be the villain? Lee explores the question of whether Loki ever had a choice in the villain he became. If Odin and the whole of Midgard (for the uninitiated: Earth) already treat his turn to evil as a bygone conclusion, what can he do to be the hero? It is a complicated and deeply emotional exploration of the character. He is no simple black-and-white bad guy, and in this novel, the tension in his character is given the room to breathe it deserves. The psychology of identity presented in this story is incredibly well thought out.

The London crew, known as the SHARP society, that Loki goes to Earth to help also deserves all possible praise. Mrs. Sharp is a feminist icon set in contrast with the prudish Victorian society. She brazenly wears pants and solves mysteries despite being a (Victorian gasp) woman! Theo serves as a perfect counterpoint to Loki and acts as his Watson (and perhaps something more, but I leave this piece for you to discover, readers).

If you do not know the Marvel universe, the book sets up the story and characters in such a way that this can easily be an entry point. On the other hand, if you are already shouting Excelsior and dissecting the Easter Eggs in Endgame, the book has a lot of great details for you to enjoy including one that counts as way too big of a spoiler to say here, but everyone who reads Loki can be excited to gasp about when it happens. The story can easily be read as a prequel to the first Thor movie, and sets it up effectively. If you enjoyed the recent comics run of Loki Agent of Asgard, this is definitely going to be right up your alley.

Already clocking in at just over 400 pages, I wished the story was twice as long, yet it felt totally satisfying. I found myself luxuriating in the writing style and characterization. In case I have not already made it abundantly clear, this was one of my favorite reads this year and a book I plan to return to. As my Lord of Lies would say, I am burdened with the glorious purpose of making sure that this September you do not sleep on this title.

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My Body Connection

I always thought of my body as a vessel to carry things from one place to another. In college, it was a vessel to take my brain from place to place. In church, it carried my soul. In relationships, my body took my heart to each person. It was no more a part of “me” than my car. It was utilitarian, and I treated it as such.

I carry more weight on my body than the doctor recommended size. My weight goes up and down a little bit. I was my skinnest the summer I worked at at a children’s camp, racing around to prevent catastrophes and keep a gaggle of children from wandering off. Mostly, I hover around an average.

I do not necessarily think I am ugly or pretty. There is something decidedly average about me. I have put on makeup occasionally, but mostly I do not wear it. My hair is something that happens to me, a mess I do little to control.

Sometimes I forget what I look like. That is the level to which I have disconnected from my body. Sometimes I catch a look in the mirror and go “Oh.”

I am not kind to my body. My skin wears excema, it is dry and often cracks because the OCD in me tells me that germs lurk in every crease. Usually, a few mysterious bruises hover around my legs and arms because I walk into walls and trip up stairs on a regular basis. I do not exercise as frequently as I should. After all, my body is something that carries around the real me. It is a tool. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

A perspective shift began, as so many revelations in my life, with a beautiful piece of pop culture.

Promo shot: Queer Eye

With Queer Eye, into my TV life waltzed Jonathan Van Ness. I listened to him talk about how caring for ourselves in physical ways matter. I remember him telling an overworked father that taking even just five minutes to care for his body would be revolutionary for him. More recently, in the Queer Eye book, JVN (as many refer to him) wrote about how learning to care for his own body changed his whole perspective on himself.

The way we treat ourselves physically matters.

My body is more than a physical tether, keeping my spirit weighed to the ground. My body is a part of the whole that is me.

I called my friend, a wonderful and supportive human that was with me from day one of grad school, and told him I was going to start blow drying my hair.

Interestingly, it was another set of pop culture best friends who inspired my most recent body connection.

Promo Shot: The Try Guys

The Try Guys on Youtube are a group that started on Buzzfeed and now run their own media company. They make amazing videos that are hilarious and often powerful. I even show them in my psych classes from time to time. They did a video on facials. For the most part, it was funny, but something struck me. Watching them try out skin care launched a violent fit of OCD. I suddenly became obsessed with the idea that the skin on my face was horribly dirty.

Jenny Lawson in Furiously Happy talks about realizing that bacteria lives on her face and becoming fixated on the idea. As someone with OCD, I fully grasp this problem. The video suddenly had me looking in the mirror all the time and realizing for the first time that I had blackheads. Even though they were not terribly noticeable, and until that moment, I myself had barely noticed them, they felt like giant blaring signs on my face. This is what OCD does in your brain. It latches on and amplifies everything.

I had to rush out and get blackhead skincare supplies. For several days, this became an obsession and a compulsion. I needed it to be better immediately.

But, things settled down in my brain. They always do, and suddenly I realized that underneath the obsession, there was a healthy reality. My skin did deserve care. I started putting in a careful routine, untwisting it from the knot of compulsion and instead actually caring for the skin on my face. My skin looked so much better, and with the hair drying, I suddenly realized that it felt good to care.

I always dismissed such things as unnecessary vanity, and in so doing, I became less and less in my body. I was a ghost possessing my own form. So, changing that up and allowing skincare, hair care, and physical self-care to be important to me has been an active revolution. I am starting to feel like I live in this body, that I am at least in part this body. I am my body’s and my body is mine.

It is still an uphill battle to make the habits stick. Some days, I still feel that old pull to worry that caring is vain. Sometimes I still get surprised by who stares back from the mirror, but more and more I am allowing myself–even my physical self–to be a priority. More and more I am allowing myself to mindfully fill out the whole of my body.

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Come back next week for another dose of Existential Wednesday!

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If you want to read more about Purity Culture and the way it damaged so many of us, check out Damaged Goods by Dianna Anderson.

I also recommend wholeheartedly everything Queer Eye and everything Try Guys! These two sets of friends are lights in the world.

In a Cosplay State of Mind: Interview with Ghostiee Muffinn

We met at Baltimore Comic Con. It was my second year taking my niece. Both her and I have social anxiety, and transforming into our favorite badass women of the superhero world makes us become more outgoing. We walked around the con getting pictures with other cosplayers. She and I gasped out loud when we saw one particular cosplayer come walking across the sky bridge. Decked out in armor, carrying the mighty Mjolnir, there she was: Thor.

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Thor and me, as Mockingbird. Photo credit: @rickcurrrier32 on IG

As long time readers of my blog know, I am endlessly interested in the intersection of mental health and nerd culture, so when I saw a post about this very topic on her instagram, I reached out to Ghostiee Muffinn herself for an interview.

Chris: What do you want [my readers] to know about you first off?

Jess: Hi! I’m Jess, however my online cosplay alias is Ghostiee Muffinn Cosplay. I’ve been cosplaying and attending conventions for 4 years now, and hope to continue! I cosplay almost everything; video games, comics, movies, you name it! Outside of cosplay I attend college and serve [wait staff at a restaurant].

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Ezio from Assassins Creed. Photo by: @casey_mcnaughton on IG

Chris: How did you get into cosplaying? What is your cosplay story?

Jess: One year out of the blue I asked my friend if she wanted to attend Katsucon, I think it was 2015! She had planned to go to otakon, but things fell through so it inspired us to give it a shot. We loved it. It was so much fun crafting our first costumes, and it just became something we wanted to continue! Now, I can’t imagine myself without this hobby, I put hours and lots of money into it!

Chris: What does cosplay mean to you?

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Glaceon from Pokemon. Photo by: @papercube on IG

Jess: Cosplay means the world to me! I’ve met my best friends through cosplay, so close that they are like family to me. Cosplay is my creative outlet, I lead a busy lifestyle and it allows me to cool down through art. I hope to keep pushing myself to craft greater and greater projects.

Chris: What is your life as a frequent cosplayer like?

Jess: It can be stressful, in 2018 I have completed 7 new cosplays and attended 5 conventions. The previous year I had only [attended] 2 conventions and completed about 3 cosplays. I would be lying if I said it didn’t sometimes get stressful pushing myself more and more. Yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, while it keeps me busy it keeps me determined. I continue to meet amazing people and learn more about my craft. It can be strange finding the balance between the cosplay world, work world, student world, and social world— yet when those worlds collide (especially social and cosplay) I wouldn’t trade it for a thing!

Chris: On your Instagram, you talk about feeling like cosplaying different characters makes you feel strong. Can you talk more about that?

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Thor. Photo by: @griffin_studios and edited by @kosplaykreationz on IG

Jess: Cosplaying different characters absolutely makes me feel strong—empowered. When you look up to or admire a character, there is hardly a better feeling than becoming that character. It’s like becoming the one who you admire, you begin to admire yourself. Additionally, not all projects are easy! Completing a challenging goal is good for the soul, it induces learned self esteem!

 

Chris: On this blog, we talk about how nerd culture intersects with mental health. What connection do you see between cosplaying and mental health?

Jess: I absolutely can see how cosplay connects to mental health, good and bad. For me, cosplay gives me pride and pleasure when I debut something new I had been crafting for months. I previously mentioned learned self esteem—when one gains confidence through accomplishment— cosplay is my source of learned self esteem! It gives me something to look forward to in dark days. However, it is undeniable that cosplay can be a stressor. Have you heard the term “con crunch”? It refers to that month before a con when cosplayers go blind, seeings stars, trying to finish all their cosplays by the con deadline— usually without sleeping! Cosplay can induce stress, but it can also serve as stress relief to craft after a long day. I would consider it a very healthy hobby!

Chris: What do you wish people understood about cosplaying?

Jess: I feel there are several misconceptions around cosplay. First— it’s not just several adults that never outgrew dress up. We are adults having fun, we are crafting, making friends, staying young, and embracing our unique hobby. Many cosplayers such as myself create cosplays from nothing, so we pride ourselves in our creations! Secondly, there are many types of cosplay. One of the categories, lewd cosplay, I feel gets a bad name. Our motto is cosplay is for everyone, to deny anyone as a cosplayer because they are wearing less is rude and wrong. Similarly, the cosplay world should be a happy world, void of harsh remarks. We are all different skill levels, so we must always embrace all cosplays as “good” rather than “noob” cosplays.

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Jason Vorhees. Photo by: @s1price_lightworks on IG

Chris: Can you tell us about the cosplay community?

Jess: I love the cosplay community, I’ve mentioned that almost all of my close friends come from cosplay—and hold true to that. I’ve met people I consider family. I feel the cosplay community is a supportive and healthy community, nerds helping and supporting eachother! It’s my favorite community to be a part of.

Chris: Is there anything else you want my readers to know about your craft?

Jess: I see cosplay in my future, and I am grateful for everyone who has supported me along the way, I couldn’t do anything without the kindness of others, and I couldn’t imagine myself without the cosplay world.

Photo: Ghostiee Muffinn as Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Photo by: @notsoprophoto_photography on IG

Thank you to Jess for telling us her story. Check out her work on instagram @GhostieeMuffinnCosplay and on facebook Ghostiee Muffinn Cosplay. You can also contribute to her craft over on Ko-Fi.

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Welcome back to the new season of Existential Wednesday. If you enjoyed this interview, worry not, there are more to come. And if you want more walks through existential crises, pop culture, and mental health, come back every Wednesday!

 

Blogtober Day 25: It’s Alive! (It was just the Flu)

I live! Barely, but I do. A flu took me out for the last several days. I have a genuine flu, and along with it came a case of the existential flu (a.k.a. that feeling that comes when you get sick and then suddenly doubt that life has meaning). Over my sickness, I have worked hard to keep the Halloween spirit alive even when I did not feel like I actually was. So, I huddled up in a bundle of blankets and watched Scream.

I know I was really sick because it did not even remotely scare me.

This has been a truly challenging month to write daily. I am glad I tried it, and I plan to keep writing daily throughout the Nanowrimo month, but I will go back to posting less frequently once this month long writing experiment is over.

That said, I have a lot of plans for upcoming ideas for this blog. Consider this season 2. Along with the regular existential jaunts into pop culture, this upcoming arc will include:

• Real interviews! Yes, I am going back to my early journalistic studying when I worked on the college newspaper. I am lining up interviews as we speak.
• Special deep dives! I will take elongated multi-post looks at various media. Up first: the Good Cop on Netflix, which has given my stressed out mind such joy these last few weeks.
• Video content! No ideas on this yet, just that it will be done.
• We are nearing 50 followers on the blog which means, my Marvel/DC/Indie comics guide will be coming out to celebrate!

I hope you will continue to follow along on this journey.

Happy Blogtober,

Existential Wednesday

Blogtober Day 21: Deepest Fear Part 1

What are you most afraid of?

I was lecturing on the topic of availability heuristic to my class a few weeks ago. The

Promo shot: The Meg

availability heuristic is a sort of shortcut our brains take, where if we hear about something often, we believe it is common. So, we hear about murder and violence on the news (because “if it bleeds, it reads”) and we start to believe that these things are more common than they are. This holds true, even if the evidence is fiction rather than news. I told my class, this is also why we fear sharks more than texting while driving, even though one of these things is far more dangerous (hint: texting).

 

As I talked about the irrationality of fearing sharks (who are more likely to be killed by people than to kill people), I felt my pulse quickening. It was difficult for me to even look at the screen. One of my savy pysch students pointed out my reaction. “Somethings going on with you more than just sharks being scary.” Sometimes my students are annoyingly observant.

I am terrified of everything ocean. Open waters scare the ever living hell out of me. So

Screen cap: Gravity

does space for that matter. The movie Gravity was my absolute nightmare and I could not even sit through the trailer.

 

You see, I know exactly why these two things terrify me. Maybe you can already guess, faithful reader? Here’s a hint, it has to do with the fact that, as previously written about, one of my most common returning nightmares is being in the back of a car with no driver.

Control.

Damn do I love the illusion of control. I know, it is an illusion. There are some choices given to us in life, and some we have no power over. I was born with privilege other people do not have, and there are those with a lot more privilege than me. There a great many things in life we have no control over–like death, our birth, who our families are.

But, I have OCD and I like to pretend. When my father got sick with cancer, I washed my hands so frequently they turned raw. Why? I thought if nothing else, at least I could make sure he did not catch another sickness while trying to heal.

The problem is, the open ocean with its endless depths full of creatures and potentially some we do not even know about yet, robes me of any belief in control. The idea of being out on the water where anything could happen. I feel my heart rate spiking just as I type. Space is the same way, if you float off in space you are gone. They are big, powerful forces of nature that want to kill us. Okay, oceanologists and NASA scientists (do I have any of you reading? Because that would be neat!) I hear you complaining that the ocean and space are not trying to kill me. Alright, I hear you, I just don’t believe you on a cellular level.

I like to pretend control is a thing I have. Also, have you seen the ocean? It’s huge!

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PSA: I may be scared of sharks, but they are a valuable part of our world that we, humans, are doing a lot of damage to. Check out the work the Shark Trust is doing to keep our waters full of these amazing, beautiful creatures.

Blogtober Day 18: Time Capsule Part 2

When I decided to look through my old photos to overanalyze my younger self-psyche, I forgot that looking through old photos would not only include the nostalgia, but also all the agony of regrettable haircuts and regrettable friendships now gone. Who asked for their Halloween posts with a side of pain and existential crisis? I did, obviously.

Today, I take you back to two more specific years. Close your eyes, or don’t because it would be difficult to read this if you did. Imagine the years are 2008. I am 16, an awkward nerd who spent her time at church youth group or watching Power Rangers with her best friend while getting way too hyped up on soda.

Halloween comes around and I want to do something interesting. We, meaning me, my best friend, and my parents, are obsessed with a show that was a craze at the time. A show where the lead was…difficult. So, this is the context of how I showed up at my church youth group Halloween party wearing this:

Photo of me as Dr. House

Dr. House, M.D. from the show by that name. I face panted on a beard, wore professional clothes with a lab coat over them that I stained with fake blood. I wore a baseball cap and walked with a cane. Oh, I also had an old pill bottle that I made a fake label for that read: Vicadin. It was full of tic tacs that I popped throughout the night.

I really have to had it to my youth group leaders for not batting an eye. Lots of churches are sensitive about Halloween, but they were very open about it. Lots of youth leaders may have had questions for the teen handing out tic tacs from a pill bottle while dressed as a famous TV drug addict. They did not. I really appreciate the patient and unquestioning faith they had in me that allowed me to let my freak flag fly unabashed. I often write negatively about the lessons I learned in youth group as a teen, but one thing is true: what confidence I did have at that age, I owe at least in part to their loving acceptance. Their lessons were at times harsh, but always meant from love. I may have had to disentangle from their theology, but I remember their actions with warmth. They loved me, weird as I was.

And they let me show up to church dressed as an emotionally disturbed drug addicted doctor.

Of course, the next year (2009. I’m 17) I decided it would be fun to make this a trend!

Photo of me as Sherlock Holmes

I decided to do the character House was based on, another famous drug addicted genius, Sherlock Holmes. (Yes, this is the best photo I could find, it was pre-smart phones, and in those dark times we did not necessarily get photographic evidence of everything). My Mom sewed the cape for me, which I still have.

The only comments I got this time? I should go for a trifecta and do Dr. Freud, who famously used cocaine. As I was already into psychology to a large degree, I really considered doing this. I can’t remember why this did not happen, but truthfully, in my deep dive, I did not find a costume for 2010 at all. I have no memory of why this would be.

So what can we learn about me from this? Well, we can learn how hard I cringe realizing how light I made of drug addiction. I was learning a lot about psychology and fascinated by anything that had to do with it, that came out in my costumes. I was not yet sensitive to the fact that maybe this was not a very good idea. It is fascinating trying to remember what it felt like to be a teenager and be distinctly of two minds. I cared about psychology and wanted to “save the world” (yes I had real white knight syndrome as a teenager), but I also found psychology fascinating in a way that feels almost voyueristic looking back. I loved serial killers at this time too with no real understanding that the people they killed were real people. It was if the reality that I saw first hand (I came into studying psychology because of trauma my friends experienced) and the concepts of psychology outside my grasp had no connection in my brain.

This makes sense, developmentally. My young mind was trying to make sense of the world still, but I was coming from a very egocentric place. It is painful to think about, but I am learning to be forgiving of my younger self.

The other thing it tells me?

I used Halloween as a chance to take up space. I chose characters who were rude and difficult because the other 364 days of the year I was so obliging. I never let myself spread out, I squeezed my entire self into small spaces, but on Halloween I could be as much as I wanted to because it wasn’t me doing it. I was just in character. Even then, some part of me wanted to break out of my self-imposed ideas of what a girl should be.

More to come as I try to figure out where all those old photos went to!

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Brief recommends of the day:

The Spirits podcast that I reviewed a few days ago came out with an amazing episode on the history of horror movies that is absolutely perfect for an October listen! Check it out.

Blogtober Day 17: Time Capsule Part 1

Sometimes you look  back on your life, and see exactly who you are peeking out from the creaks in all the things you shed over the years. For me, the pictures of Halloweens past are just such time capsules, reminding me of how I have changed, but also, how the parts of myself I identify the strongest now were always there, in sometimes subtle, sometimes glaring ways.

Consider this the first in many look backs to come.

The year was 2015, and I had 2 costumes for Halloween. Both of them are so entirely on brand.

I was Nancy Drew, girl detective and feminist icon.

I was also…

Leslie Knope, badass heroine of Parks and Rec and yes, you guessed it…feminist icon. Yes, my mother and I did a team costume that year. She went as Liz Lemon.

Will we go further back? Of course we will. There is much more of my psyche to piece together from the costume choices I made along the way. Just. You. Wait.

-Existential  Wednesday